Hi! I’m so glad you’re here…
For the last 3.5 years, I’ve been working on a book I felt compelled to write, called Men, Myself, & I: Revelations of an Opened Marriage. It’s my second memoir, though I didn’t even consider myself a “real writer” until some point in the process of composing this one.
I’m sort of ambivalent about being a writer. It’s a vexing practice. Also exhilarating, and revelatory. I would love to make a living at it, but I have many other interests. And my vocation—clinical spiritual care—is obviously something entirely different. Yes, I am a writer, but I am also many other things.
So it made sense to me, the longer I thought about it, to publish my book myself. We have so many tools at our fingertips that make it possible to connect directly with readers and listeners. Traditional publishing is VERY difficult to break into and takes a loooong time. Hybrid publishing is a great option, but it’s expensive and the promotional effort falls largely to the authors, anyway. So I thought: why not just do it myself, and keep all of the proceeds?
I’m aware this might sound like a vanity project since I’m doing it myself, like it’s a story for me, not for you. But that’s not the case. I wrote this book for myself, yes. But I stuck with it, and kept going, to make it better for you. I have worked with five editors. Like I said, it took me over three years. Dare I say, if you’re interested in the subject matter, I think you might get something out of it.
Since people both listen to and read books these days, I recorded an audio book of my manuscript to accompany the digital version, and I am using Substack to distribute it.
Substack is a relatively new media platform that allows creators to monetize their content. This makes perfect sense to me as a way to release my book and audiobook. When you subscribe—the cost is $11 a month—you will get to read and/or listen to each chapter of the book the day it’s released.
I will release one episode per day for 49 days, until we get to the end. Since the series will launch on April 11, and conclude on May 30, that means subscribers will get an audio AND print book for less than the price of a new hardcover. Everybody wins. I am really excited about the potential and will share what I learn from this indie project with other writers, so they, too, can do for themselves.
If you miss a day, or don’t have time to listen, all of the episode will be saved on Substack so you can listen at your convenience.
Now to answer some questions I imagine you might have. For starters, why did I write this book?
Fundamentally, the answer is that I wanted to, although it didn’t feel like a choice at the time. Rather, I felt compelled to write. I had just lived through three very intense and tumultuous years. Perhaps writing was my subconscious spurring me to try and make some meaning of it all? As I continued through the process, it became evident that I was gaining awareness—and healing—through the practice of writing. So I kept going.
Another question you may have: are you crazy?
It’s a reasonable question. What you’re going to hear or read over the days and weeks to come is very personal. You’re going to hear about me doing things that married, middle-aged moms aren’t “supposed” to do. You’re going to read about my most intimate relationships and some very tender experiences, thoughts, and struggles.
The reason I am willing to share it all is that I don’t think I am particularly unique for having had these experiences. Lots of people have extramarital sex. Lots of people are uncertain about their sexuality and pleasure. Lots of people are unhappy with the lives they thought they were supposed to want.
But allowing you to witness my disaster means we can all feel less lonely in our very human struggles. By acknowledging the truth of my experience—my deepest thoughts, darkest feelings, shameful longings—I am claiming my right to wholeness. I am not only a chaplain and a yoga teacher and a mom…I was once also—as you will read—a “smoker, and a drinker, and a slut.” We are all, to some degree, a study of contrasts. We all contain multitudes.
Though I wrote this book for myself, I hope it inspires you to greater self-compassion and acceptance. I truly believe we are all doing our best, and whatever it is you’re most ashamed of likely was or is a matter of simply trying to get your needs met. There may be more and less healthy ways we go about trying to meet our needs, but that’s your business. In my view, we’re all just tender humans, banging around adulthood trying to figure out what to do.
And now perhaps the question I have heard most often: what does my family think?
It’s not a simple answer, because individuals have their own feelings and I have a big family. I think my mom kind of worries about me, but she’s okay with it. My siblings have mixed feelings but acknowledge that I can do what I want. My husband in the story (we have since officially divorced) has been extraordinarily supportive from the get-go. He has read and provided feedback on multiple drafts.
Obviously, it’s trickier to obtain consent from our son, who did not ask to be in this book. I don’t have a good answer in this regard. I don’t know if it’s fair to him, and there may come a day that I need to ask his forgiveness. My hope is that, by the time he’s old enough to understand the subject matter, he will also understand that his parents are human, and that there are aspects of our lives which don’t concern him.
A few more nuts and bolts about the podcast itself…
Regarding the narrative, it is a true story, reconstructed from the memory of my experience. In a few cases, I have modified or compressed the chronology of events for the sake of narrative flow. All of the names and identifying characteristics have been changed to preserve the anonymity of the people I have written about. If you know me, some of these characters will be obvious. Whether you know me or not, I invite you to pretend that you don’t, to imagine an unknown narrator, to create the movie in your own mind.
I am thinking of doing a couple bonus episodes that are conversations with other authors, or sex educators, or maybe even people in the book. If you’d like to co-host one of these episodes together, or request an interview, please get in touch via Substack or my website, mindalane.com.
The last episode, or chapter, will be released on May 30. I will continue to publish newsletters and other content after that, but if you are only subscribing for the book, you’ll want to unsubscribe whenever you decide you’re done listening.
Writing this book was very challenging on multiple levels, but I gained so much from the process. It means the world to me now to invite you into the experience. Thank you, in advance, for sharing it with anyone you think would care to hear it. I would be so grateful if you’d share it with your spouse, sibling, a friend you think might be interested, or with your broader community on social media. I will absolutely be giving this project my all over the weeks to come but imagine how much further this story might reach with your help. It’s a small effort that could make a huge difference for me.
Feel free to reach out with questions or feedback, and thank you for listening. Episode One will be available to subscribers on Tuesday, April 11.
With love and gratitude,
Introduction to Men, Myself, & I