Alexa Robbins: You challenged me to rise and lifted this book from a lesser, perhaps dismal fate. Thank you for your wisdom, truth-telling, and for your example of sobriety. You are a model of becoming.
Steve Almond: For helping make sense of the complexity and nudging me to write into what I couldn’t yet see. Your empathy is unparalleled, and your generosity is unmatched.
Suzanne Morrison: One of my first teachers, keeper of the best editing advice I’ve ever received, and one of the kindest hearts.
Nicole Hardy: I stopped to ask for directions and found the best guide of all. Thank you for your guidance at a vital stage of this book.
Claire Dederer: You gave me permission to write the story I wanted to, and your encouragement made me believe it was possible. From all of my protons to yours, THANK YOU.
To my first creative writing teacher, Josh Somebody or Other at Pierce College in 1996. At some point while writing this book, I found the note you wrote on my final—ten pages with no plot. In spite of that, you said that I was a Writer and that I was good and to keep going. I had forgotten all about it but holy shit was that wind in my sails at the just-right time.
Jennie Richey: I love you, your vast heart, and our shared affection for words. Thank you for being that friend. You’re never getting rid of me.
Chris Boutee: Friend, cheerleader, editor, comic relief. Your support of my first manuscript made this one possible. Thank you for the many hours you spent editing and providing feedback. Your generosity, and my gratitude, knows no bounds.
To my fellow Book Labbers—Jess, Katherine, Lauren, Vera, and Jon: What a pleasure to learn with you all. Thank you for sharing your time, your work, and your open hearts. You made it safe to be vulnerable, and to say hard things in public.
To my friends at Writing By Writers, who convinced me I belonged.
Medicine Loom community: thank you for sharing in the mystery, past, present, and future.
Anita Brown: By some miracle of technology, and some force of the Universe, you became a vital friend. Thank you for holding the mirror, waving the pom poms, and for listening for hours (and hours and hours). Your friendship is ballast of love.
Ross Lakers: Thank you all for being there for all this time.
To the Broads: Thank you for the realest real talk around—you are all bright Golden.
AstroKiki: No one has ever believed in me like you. Thank you doesn’t begin to cover it.
Dianne: I thank my lucky stars every day that I found you. This book, this story, this life of mine wouldn’t be if it weren’t for you. The only thing about you being my therapist is it means you can’t be my friend, but you are that, too, and I love you dearly.
Panda Bear: You see me. You get me. Thank you for the space you hold and for being wonderful you.
The McKinlay Family and HVC community: You fostered the best parts of the person I’ve become.
Jeff and Cindy Hoyt, who directed, edited, consoled, counseled, inspired, and encouraged me. Our lunches were my favorite part!
Amanda Knox for your just-in-time words of wisdom, and for your suprahuman empathy. May we all demonstrate the forgiveness and generosity of spirit that you do.
To Alex Kostelnik, for the crystal drawer pulls and chocolate icing of this story, and for encouraging me to fucking say it all.
Steve McLaren, if you’re reading this, allow me to say: I am so sorry. You were amazing, and I was a dick. It was never you. If anyone is reading this who knows how to get in touch with Steve McLaren, who I believe is in Portland, OR, please tell him I am so sorry, and he deserved so much better.
To the people who make Hugo House: Your class evaluation asks what I would like more of from your organization and I always think the same thing—you couldn’t possibly offer any more than you do. I have learned so much within your walls, and in your courses I came to call myself a writer. Seattle is so lucky, and I am so grateful.
To the people of Macrina Bakery at 19th and Aloha: this book was largely fueled by your strong black tea. Thank you for your smiles and graciousness when I asked for more hot water (again).
To my Al-Anon Family Group Fellowship for keeping me approximately sane.
Thank you to the many women who inspire me daily, near and far, including the women I’ve already mentioned as well as Krista Robertson, Tiffany Attrill, Roberta Hiday, Allison Ellis, Maggie Downs, Kiara Rose, Shelly Stevens, Rebecca Martinez, Seane Corn, Tabitha Brown, Rebecca Woolf, Tracy Clark-Flory, Joanna Rakoff, Lisa Taddeo, Wendy Smith at Odd Man Inn, Lizzy Jeff, Gina Frangello, Dani Shapiro, Pam Houston, Sarah Hepola, and Lydia Yuknavitch.
To the people who discouraged me: thank you for helping me to clarify my vision and deepen my commitment.
To the people who appear in this book…I know you have your own version of the story. Thank you for being a part of mine.
To my family, who don’t understand why I need to do this but love me all the same. I have tried to tell my story without telling yours, and I hope you can accept that.
Mollie Glick: You are not my agent, but I remain hopeful about this potential.
Michael: Your work ethic inspired my own, your support made it safe to reach, and your ethos affirmed the existence of something I barely imagined could be mine. Thank you for the space to be myself.
JF: There is simply no way I could ever separate my becoming from our being. You gifted me with children, a home, and made this version of my life possible. There are many things I do not understand but one thing I will never doubt: I will always love you.
D$: I hope you will understand why I needed to tell these stories. May you always have the courage to honor your truth, embrace your creativity, and pursue your dreams. I love you more than everything. Bzzzt and mwah!
Finally, I would also like to acknowledge myself. Is that tacky? I don’t care. Let it be said: I worked really fucking hard on this book and I am very proud of the courage and effort it took, both to write and to share. Good job, you. You did it.
Acknowledgements